"Crazy, devoted Mama say what?"

2011-04-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

There are so many challenges in life. It seems divine design is responsible for the paths our lives take. As I think about how different my journey is from all those around me, how each person has their own struggles and triumphs to experience, it all makes my struggles seem so insignificant and my triumphs so uninspiring. Yet I know better than to sell myself short. I know that my life as been divinely designed and that the challenges and successes I encounter on my journey are meant for me; to shape me, to improve me, to teach me. I hate that I feel the need to preface all my blog posts with this. What I am basically saying, is I know someone's got it way worse than me tonite and in everyday life, but I need to get over it, this is my blog, my forum, and I guess if I want to complain everyday, I can. You don't have to read it! I actually haven't posted anything for a long time just because of this. Just feeling like no one would want to hear what I had to say. That may very well be true, but I can still write it. It makes me feel better, it helps me to see it after I've written it all down, and again, it's my blog. Funny, I bet this has something to do with my need for approval. It's amazing how once I figured out I'm like this, I see how it has manifested in every aspect of my life! It's like I had a handicap or shortcoming and just learned to adjust or adapt, and not to my advantage. So here is what I'm dealing with tonite, take it or leave it.

It's funny to me, how my journey can change from hour to hour, my husband calls it "bi-polar", I call it emotional multi-tasking (as any sassy mother would). Tonite I feel a bit down, it's getting late, the later it gets the worse things seem. I should just go to bed! I'm feeling hijacked, like I'm really not living the life I want to live. Would Oprah call it my "authentic" life, or self? Whatever I'm so over Oprah! Regardless of what she might have to say, I am tired of putting up the good fight. I have learned in life that taking the easy way reaps little reward, however, why do I have to make a stand against others to achieve my own happiness. You would think the people that love you would just want you to be happy. I know that I have no one to answer too, it would just be so much easier if the people in my life saw the world through the same cheerful lenses I do.

I recently realized I am concerned with approval; I am an approval seeker. Yuck! There I said it! I don't think there's a 12 step program for that, but if I ever find one at least I've got step one out of the way. This is something that I love having a label for. It really helps me better control and understand my reactions to the world. But it takes time for me to figure it all out, which is often the case. I have to stop and decide what I want, if it's reasonable and how it is best to go about attaining that in a diplomatic way. It's exhausting! I just want what I want, when I want it! Tonite there are a laundry list of wants that need tweaking. Really I think it may just be 3, but they feel like a wagon full of rocks, weighing me down as I try to continue to move forward. I think the worst part, the part that gets me down and perpetuates my multi-tasking of emotions, is the constant feelings of inadequacy. Which I'm sure has something to do with that need for approval. I'm most likely going to have to deal with my laundry list in the next few days, because once I get this bug, this bug that something isn't right in my world, I have a hard time holding it in. I want to sleep on it now, but I know when I'm feeling like this, for some reason the night only makes it worse. The night brings in a dark storm of self criticisms that weigh down on my chest like a ton of bricks, yuck! Well, sweet dreams then. Or I could rise above. Realize the truth, the people who love me really do want me to be happy and I am good enough, because God made me this way and there is no one holding me back from getting what I want. Phew! Glad I got there before bed.

Book Club of 1

2011-01-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't consider myself a rabid reader. I did finish the Twilight series in 2 weeks, and re-read Harry Potter each time a new movie is about to come out, but I'm not a literary book worm. So since most of my recommendations for reading material come from the movie theatre I picked up "Water for Elephants". It's coming out soon. I saw the preview for it when we went to see "True Grit". It will be starring Reese Witherspoon and (ironically) Robert Pattinson. I thought to myself, "I'm going to pick that one up and check it out". It was waiting for me on the hold shelf, Thursday at the library and I finished it up last night. It's easy to breeze through a 300 page book, after all those 700 pagers. I was just as enthralled! It is about train traveling circuses of the depression era. I would highly recommend this book. Although it was more than a peek behind the curtain, even the gritty world of the circus was magical. The main character is such a charmer, you can't help but want to sit next to him and listen to his tales. It was also a brilliant take on being old. It made we want to spend more time learning about my grandparent's pasts. I hope you enjoy spending time in this world as much as I did.

A Clean Slate

2011-01-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

Could the new year start any better? If you just can't decide what you want for Christmas next year, ask Santa to send you a few elves to "deep clean" your house the day the kids go back to school. It was actually my husband's idea to get it done. What a man! It was a 4 hour process, so I just headed out the door. I had sushi for lunch, while enjoying a new magazine, then window shopped at TJ Maxx until it was time to pick up my son. We got a little pick me up at the coffee shop and waited for big brother to get out as well. By the time I picked up my oldest son, they were done and boy was I in for a surprise! I am not the world's best housekeeper. The idea that it is just going to get dirty again as soon as you get it all clean keeps me from doing an outstanding job, but nothing was keeping these ladies from getting an A+! I do take pride in my home and want it to be comfortable, so I will attack the windows, blinds, ceiling fans and baseboards from time to time, but not all in the same day, and certainly not on the same day I mopped and dusted! But this is exactly what I walked into today when I got home. It had ALL been done! The burners on the stove were sparkling! The sticky, greasy dust above the microwave was gone! The hard water ring on toilets had disappeared! The shower floor was white! Even the kids beds got made and their thrown about clothes were neatly folded! I didn't expect them to clean up after them, just dust and vacuum their rooms. Everywhere I turned was another pleasant surprise! I don't want to use anything now and I certainly don't want to let the dog in! I am hoping to have them come every other month for a little extra up keep and then deep clean every January, what a great way to start off the new year!

A Creative Celebration

2010-08-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. I love that it doesn't feel like it's been that long. We are blessed to still have that honeymoon feel in our relationship, most of the time. Our anniversary is Aug. 22nd, just as summer is ending and school is starting for the kids. It often happens that by the time we get to the 22nd all our summer fun money is spent from making great memories with the kids before they have to start another year of school. We have had our share of romantic getaways, but sometimes we have to get creative. This year was one of those times. It was actually the perfect year to be "creative", not only was the fun money gone, but my husband had injured himself severely (surgery to follow) and we were exhausted from all the "fun" we had been having all summer long. Nothing sounded sweeter than a nice quiet dinner for two, besides 11 years is worth celebrating, but not necessarily a milestone, so no big deal. He and I had been chatting about it and I had made a joke about it being our "anniversary week", and that's when the idea came to me. Why not celebrate all week with a few little things, so I came up with a plan. Here is what we did, I hope it inspires you for your anniversary or just to add a little romance and always needed connecting time. Monday we did foot massages, Tuesday we danced to our wedding song before bed (in our pj's), Wednesday we watched our favorite movie together, Thursday we shared a bottle of wine, and Friday we went out for dessert. It was so great. Just what we needed, a little time to just be together. It really felt like we were celebrating something special. There are so many more little things you can do, you could also make it big. Think of the little things you both enjoy, or you know your spouse enjoys. Have fun with this and please post your ideas as well.

What I have learned

2010-07-28T22:16:00.001-07:00

I just spent some time rereading a few old posts about a new me, changes in my life and my diet experience. Making changes can be so challenging, I know it took me nearly 13 years to finally do what I needed to do to get my body back after having kids. It was finally my time. I know I posted the beginning of my experience, but I haven't posted a day since. I have learned a lot. As I got ready to start the diet I posted how I was saying goodbye to friends by visiting my favorite restaurants and ordering my favorite foods. I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with food and thought it would become more clear just what the issues were as I got further into my diet, but that didn't happen. The truth is that I learned I will often turn to food when I'm lonely. Having a husband that is at work for days at a time and being a very social person, I could get lonely very easily. I quickly found other things to occupy me (mostly housework) when I couldn't turn to food. Through this experience I also found that some of my worst eating habits were just laziness. By being forced to eat such specific foods I not only had to make all my meals, I had to get creative. I learned to make great sauces and dressings from scratch! Also being forced to have so much vegetables brought me to a place where I can now very easily incorporate veggies into my everyday life, not only for me but the kids as well. After being deprived of sugar, I now see and have experienced for myself what a poison it is to a woman's body. I told my mom recently that you couldn't pay me a million dollars to have a piece of chocolate cake, and although I would take that money in a heartbeat, I will be much more selective about when I do have a treat. These seem like silly little things, but they all lead to what I wanted most, a healthier lifestyle. I can not believe I am here, finally at the end of this phase. I am proud of myself. I love putting on my swimsuit and going to the pool or getting on the boat. I am afraid of putting the weight back on, but I have to keep pushing myself and believing in myself. This was just the beginning, a place for me to start. All in all, I lost 35 pounds, now I want to take what I have learned and move forward. Phase 2, the gym. If you know me, or have read any of my past posts, you know the gym and I aren't best of friends, but that is all about to change. I can not wait to get back to the gym. It has been 3 months and I am ready!

The most important lesson I have learn, I already blogged about, that I am strong enough, that I have what it takes to make things happen. Whatever I want, I can achieve. I have to thank God for bringing me to this place in my life and guiding my heart, body and mind every step of the way.

Strength?

2010-05-26T00:08:00.000-07:00

I have never thought of myself as a strong person, but I am often reminded of the truth, by a memory. When I worked at Chili's I had a great group of girlfriends. We would often get off the lunch shift during the week and grab our own lunch over at Chevy's. It was always about food, margaritas, complaining about our boss, planning our next shopping trip and of course boys, but for some reason this one afternoon the conversation was a little different. We decided to share what we loved most about each other. (I know, SO girly)! I don't remember how is started, or what I said about each person, nor what they said to me, except for one. She told me I was the strongest person she had ever met. I was shocked. Before that day, I would have never used that word to describe myself. I'm not sure what I had done to give her that impression, but it has stuck with me all these years. Right now there are a lot of women struggling that need strength, so sometimes my struggles seem a little silly to me, but it's my blog, and I can only speak for my experiences. I have been struggling with my diet. I am losing weight and gaining momentum, but it has been, and will continue to be an uphill battle. There are so many people who have told me "wow, I know I couldn't do it!", which is exactly what I thought, but here I am doing it. Winning the battle, each day inching a little further up the hill. Proving to myself that I truly am strong, I truly have what it takes. It's funny how we often need to be reminded of our own character. I was sitting on the couch tonite, alone, thinking, "how could you not see that you are strong? You are the wife of firefighter. You keep everything going and hold yourself together while he is gone. Something so many women say they could never do. It looks like you are capable of so many things others would consider unthinkable." (And then I thought about a military wife, so don't think I don't have it all in perspective or I'm just tootin' my own horn). But I have learned as I continue up this hill which I decided to climb, that she is still there. That strong girl who was an inspiration to her friend at Chevy's. And now that I see what I am capable of, I am thinking about embarking on many other climbs. Once you open the door, and see that it is possible for you, no hill seems to steep to conquer.

Day 1 and counting...

2010-05-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that I have started a diet called Ideal Protein. It is extreme, especially for me, but if all goes well I should be where I want to be in a matter of a few months. Alot of you have wanted to know what it is and how I did yesterday, so I thought I'd post the experience for you. I heard of it through Aaron's co-workers, spoke to a representative and decided to do it. It is a protein diet, cutting out all sugars and carbs. There is prepackaged food, supplements, a menu I follow, and the dreaded NOT ALLOWED list! I got up yesterday, hopeful, and made my omelet, it was ok. At lunch I had mushroom soup, which was good, and choked down 2 cups of veggies/salad. It's not that it was bad, it's just alot more than I'm used to eating. I decided to break it up a bit, so I am eating more often throughout the day. I was doing fine until I went to the grocery store. I just went get veggies and it was the worst experience of my life! All the things I've had to give up for the next few months were staring me in the face. Why do they have to put the cake mix and the spices on the same isle! :( I also realized I will have to stop entering the store on the bakery side, the smell of fresh baked bread nearly brought me to tears (literally!). The funny part was when I went to check out. The clerk asked me what was for dinner, and I nearly teared up again, but tried to answer. When I tried to summarize what I was doing it was very hard for me to put the words together. Then when I paid I got the change all wrong. I was so flustered and just wanted to leave! I know that the mind works off of sugar from carbs, but as I was home alone all morning I hadn't interacted with anyone and hadn't realized how my new diet was affecting me until that moment. I had to laugh, knowing this will only be temporary and I should have known better than to speak to anyone. I'll have to keep it simple the rest of the week. I felt a little spacey and drunk, but was still in good spirits, til the kids got home from school. I was really starting to get hungry and they were eating pretzels and cantaloupe for snack. As I was helping Bobby with his homework at the kitchen table and had to fight the urge to reach into the pretzel bag at least 4 times. It is strange to realize how often you put something in your mouth without thinking about it. So after homework I made my dinner and ate it before we left for baseball and had to save some for later, cuz again I couldn't eat it all, but by the time I got to the baseball field, things were getting rough. I was starting to get a headache, but I made it through the game. Thankfully, Bobby pitched well, so it was a good game. I got home and knew through the headache and the haziness, it was going to take everything I had to be kind to the kids and get them through dinner and showers, storytime and bed. My menu calls for an evening snack, which is a cappuccino drink, which really helped get me through the last few hours and I made it. I went to bed around 9:30. I was exhausted. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. The flu had nothing on the exhaustion I felt. I was done! I thought I had made a huge mistake. I wanted to get my money back! I slept like someone had hit me with a 2 x 4, and this morning I am relaxed, refreshed and ready to try again. I am tired of not feeling that I am the best I can be, I am tired of my life revolving around food. This is my final battle to reclaim the me I know I can be. That's what will keep me going for the next few days as I am struggling to get used to this new diet and then will get me through the next few months as I reshape my body and my life! Thank you all for your support!

Saying goodbye to a way of life

2010-04-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am saying goodbye to a way of life that I have known for a long time has needed to go. I have created and nurtured an unhealthy relationship with food. Honestly, the scary thing is I'm still not sure what void it fills. So the scarier thought, is as I move forward the voids will become more apparent and therefore I will not only be struggling in regards to my diet, but also with some possible demons. YIKES! As I began to realize I wanted to make this change, and got serious about it, gathering information, filling out forms and placing orders, I also started saying goodbye to all of my favorites: McDonald's, Mikuni's, ice cream sundaes, Strawberry Shortcake at the Cheesecake Factory, spaghetti, El Super Taco, frozen coffees, burgers and fries, and even wine and margaritas. I didn't notice it right away, but as it gets closer, now I've realized I'm saying goodbye to my friends, my comfort. That's exactly what it felt like. Like I was moving, and wanted to be sure to see everyone before I left. This is a bizarre concept for me to accept, because I have fulfilling friendships. So as I said, this will be an extremely difficult and eye opening journey. I'm sure in the next few days, weeks and months, as I struggle, I'm going to need to vent a lot, so come back to see how it's going.

Another Hannah Montana moment

2010-04-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

Will she ever stop? If you read about my blog name, you know it was inspired by something we saw on Hannah Montana. My blog tonight is also from something I saw as part of a montage of the show. There was a tender moment where Miley tells her Dad he gave up his dreams for her and he says "Being your Daddy is my dream". -TEAR- This sentiment really summed up my life. I have had a long time struggle with the idea that as a stay-at-home-mom I am not enough. I am not important to the world. I should be doing more. I need to shine. And I think I will always have those moments, but I will not let that thought drag me down or let it make less of who I am. Dreams come and go, dreams change. I am living my dreams. There are a lot of things I wanted to do when I was growing up. I wanted to be an animal trainer, I loved playing school and waitress. As I got older and my talents began to flourish I thought I might want to be a writer and was very interested in helping others by becoming a counselor. But through it all from tea party days to high school days I couldn't wait to make a life with my husband, and be a mother. As life moves forward some dreams are put aside, others have been forgotten, but some are very much alive in our home. I am privileged to have these boys. I am honored to be making a life for them with Aaron. I am blessed to be living my dream.

FAILURE

2010-04-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

I could feel the words, all of a sudden, stamped on my forehead in bright red for all to see. I was loafing around town today, shopping, as usual, and as I got in line for my totally unnecessary finds, I happened to check my phone for the time. I should have done this 30 minutes ago! I saw that it was 2:35 and my first grader gets out at 2:20! FAILURE! I immediately THREW down my items and ran to the car as I dialed the number to his school. In a panic I tried to explain to the secretary that I had lost track of time and could she please check the place where he waits for me and bring him in to the office. (Keep in mind, it's raining today, and he's been waiting 15 minutes for me)! I got there 10 minutes later, so now he has been waiting for me for a total of 25 MINUTES!!!! I was shaking all the way to the school. All I could think of was what a FAILURE I am! I am a stay-at-home mom! It's not that hard! I don't clean much, I don't cook much, all I really need to do is BE THERE for the kids, and today I couldn't even do that! To be honest, it was a boxing match in the car, I completely beat myself up. I went through my days of lunches, shopping, pedicures, and social networking. I spend very little time on my family unless I'm with them and a lot of our money, much more than I deserve, keeping myself occupied. All God has asked me to do is be a good wife and mother and I am miserably falling short. I know if you ask my kids, I do all that they need, if you ask my husband, I'm sure he could come up with a few things he'd like to see me improve upon. If you ask me I am a huge FAILURE today. The good news is, I know I have made some improvements recently and I will get right back on track. Thankfully I am blessed with grace, and I had to use it today.

As I parked the car at the school and ran toward the office my son came out running toward me. No tears, no whining, no questions, he just gave me a smile and a big hug. I followed his lead and made little of the whole situation, although I apologized and explained myself. He accepted my apology and we headed to the car. And as I helped him into the back seat I saw the word GRACE stamped on his forehead in big red letters, and I have been hugging him ever since!

What does parenthood mean to you?

2010-04-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

It is heart-wrenching. It's an adventure. It is exhausting and exhilarating. It is a role I never thought would be so defining. It is so many different things to different families. I know parents who just don't know how to put their children before them. I know parents who put their children before all else. I know parents who's children who battle with social disorders or serious illness. There are so many parents with so many different perspectives, this is just mine.

The night I found out I was pregnant with Matthew is a night I will never forget and my life changed forever. I am blessed that being a parent has been full of joy and light on pain. Our boys are the light of our lives. It has been a strange journey as a parent. So many things that once seemed important have just faded away. So many things I thought I would never say or do I have said and done. For me it is a bittersweet journey. I know my role as a parent is to raise men. I can not do that by babying them. I can not do that by holding on too tightly. The only way I know how to do that is to teach them, let them try, be there to support them if they fail, celebrate with them when they succeed and know that someday, and a little bit everyday, I have to let them go.

Just another day

2010-03-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

What does it say about your life when nothing you did today was noteworthy? You have no exciting activity to share, no perspective on an event you might have taken part in, or even neighborhood gossip! Is this a good thing? Make no mistake my life is busy. I do my best to always put my kids first, spend time playing, reading, joking, talking, but I do have things I have to get done each day as well. But for some reason today I've got nothing but a list. Here are the highlights: I took Bobby to a great park, where he got a little dizzy on the tire swing, we had a fun lunch at BJ's totally enthralled in the amazing Magic Bullet infomercial, I had my stamping friends over to make some projects which turned out really cute after stressing all week about what the hell I was going to teach, and I even MADE dinner, no take-out. Funny how we can eat out at breakfast and lunch, but if I make dinner the day was a huge success for me! :) I am looking forward to the plan for tomorrow which is to get the house back in order. Why is it when the house is in order, life is in order. It's a paradox that makes me crazy, because I HATE cleaning house. Thankfully tomorrow is just "picking up" day. :) Then something fun with Bobby again and off to baseball. It's a simple life, but I love it!

Ain't no "Soccer Mom"

2010-03-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

The boys have done soccer, basketball, and football, but I AM A BASEBALL MOM! I love this game! I love watching my boys play. I love being out in the sun. I love seeing all my friends out there. I love watching the battle between the pitcher and each batter. I love the suspense of a fly ball to the outfield; will he catch it, will he not? I love the action of the infield, especially those close calls at first. And let's not forget the hot dogs! Yum! I have a hat or a t-shirt, or both for each boy's team, and baseball bracelets. There are lots of similarities between soccer moms and baseball moms. They all have the fan gear, and there are those of us that love to cheer loud (no matter how many times the kids ask us to stop it), but I bet the largest similarity is probably the back of our cars. It's most likely a minivan or SUV, cuz how else would you fit all that crap! Bat bags, extra clothes, shoes, a towel is always a good idea, spectator chairs for those fields that don't have bleachers, a blanket for the cold nights, a sun umbrella for the hot days, a cooler with drinks and snacks for the kid that doesn't have a game (and Dad), and then the bag with sunscreen, water, an extra ball and mitt (again, for the kid not playing), there are a million other things that can go in that bag! What's in yours?

Anyway, Monday and Tuesday were the boys first games and they both looked great. I love watching them be proud of their own performances and seeing them encourage their teammates. I am a baseball mom. I feel like I've come back to life after being stuck inside all winter. Yay spring! I can't help but wonder, though, what life will look like when it's all over. I am not afraid to admit, it is a huge part of my life. I identify with the whole thing probably a little too much. It will be a sad season when I'm no longer the baseball mom. I know it's a long way off, but if you have kids you know, life goes by so quickly. I'm going to try to enjoy it year after year and when it's all over, I'll jump in the car and head to SF to see the Giants, and the only thing I'm bringin' is my mitt and beer money!

Home Sweet Home

2010-03-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

I remember the day Aaron argued his point of why we should move to Elk Grove. He had gotten up for work and I was still in bed. He made all good points, in fact I couldn't come up with one rebuttal, which if you know me, you know is nearly unheard of! I had to admit defeat! I threw the covers up over my head and told him to go, pick a house, call me with the address and I'd meet him there! It was a hideous toddler style tantrum. I was born in San Jose, I lived my whole life in the same house, my ENTIRE family lived within a 1 hour radius. I knew Elk Grove would be a good move for us, but I just couldn't imagine being away from the city and the family that I knew.

We have been here 8 years. We are still exploring the area, and experiencing the local traditions. My favorites; Leatherby's and tubing down the river. As we were sitting at Palermo's Ristorante, a new Elk Grove tradition (and a must try! www.palermos-ristorante.com) I realized how at home I felt in this town. I don't know that it matters that it's Elk Grove though. It is being with my husband and my boys. Experiencing life in this town together and with all the people we have built priceless friendships with that make Elk Grove our home town.

I have written and rewritten this entry, but try as I might, I can not express how blessed I feel to be surrounded by such amazing people in this community. I have beautiful girlfriends that I can call on to go to lunch with, stamp with, pick up my kids, vent, laugh, cry, all who help me be a better woman. Having a support system like that makes me feel at home.

What happened to me?

2010-03-18T23:26:00.000-07:00

Do you ever ask yourself this question? Do you remember waking up one morning and thinking "Who am I?". I know it's the case for so many of us. Our lives are ever-changing and often in the chaos of work, children, and other responsibilities we lose sight of who we were, the things we loved. It's not that change is bad. I think change in the form of growth is positive and strengthening for our spirit. But the repercussions of discarding what makes us light up inside due to lack of time or replacing them with responsibilities can be devastating. You only get one life, right? We all want to live it to the fullest. You wanted to be an astronaut or a baseball player or a concert pianist. Maybe that's not the path your life took, but do you have to give it up? Couldn't you still visit the planetarium, organize games with friends and family or teach other people to play piano? What did you love when you were a kid? For me it was dancing. I still love it! I am lucky, dancing is a simple thing to continue, at the gym, at the club, at home in the living room with my kids. Different seasons of our lives allow us different opportunities. I may take a class soon, when I have the time and can afford it. Maybe tap or ballroom with my husband. These are the things that keep us happy. Remembering the dreams, maintaining the whimsy in our lives. There are so many ways to fit in what you love. You may not love your job, you may have young children you are caring for, but be creative. Find a way to keep the light inside shining!

A memory

2010-03-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

I heard that a friend from school past away last night. I have seen so many people in my life from the past and present die before their time. I am saddened for the loss and for his family. Kenny Lipska and I didn't keep in touch after high school and until this happened I hadn't heard what he had been up to. But I think that sharing your memories of the person is what keeps their spirit alive in the hearts of their close friends and family. So here is my most vivid memory of Kenny. It was the summer after 6th grade. He and I had just met that year when we started at Steinbeck. I don't know that there was a girl at school that hadn't noticed that smile and those eyes. Looking back, he may have been our "McDreamy". I knew I wasn't ever going to be his type, but as a girl that age does, I could hope. So, back to our summer day. I was at home alone, with my 7 year old sister, while our parents were at work. We were passing the time playing, as we did everyday. That day it was restaurant. We had gotten into our dress up box, and some of our mom's clothes and shoes and jewelry to play our parts. We were just about to wrap things up when I noticed someone come to the door. They hadn't knocked, they were just stopping to drop off a flyer and was I shocked when I noticed it was Kenny. Here I am in my mom's clothes, playing with my little sister, not the ideal way to been seen by "McDreamy", so I thought I'd just let him keep going, right? Well, the mistake was telling my little sister who it was. She flew open the door and yelled something at him (I don't remember what) that caused him to turn around, and hello, there I was at the door. I panicked for just a moment, then asked him what he was doing in my neighborhood and if he might want something to drink, whew, quick thinkin'! I thought I had almost avoided too much embarrassment, until he asked what we had been doing and my sister spilled the whole story.

Looking back, it's a sweet story to laugh at, but I will never forget how mortified I felt in the moment. That's my Kenny memory, that's always the one that pops in my head when I think of Ken. But tonight as I watched my husband show our son how to improve his swing my heart broke thinking of Ken's boys and what they and his wife have lost. For that I am so sorry and I pray they will find peace.

A blog a day...

2010-03-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

In an effort to write more, and at the urging of my friends I will be blogging every day. I'm not sure this will help to gain the 100 followers I am hoping for, as I don't know that my life is that interesting...

Tonight my son and I went to In -N- Out for burgers. (If you are noticing that a lot of my blogs have to do with eating out, please look past it, I have issues that I will not be tackling in this entry :) As we walked toward the door I noticed a man in grungy clothes, pull up on his bicycle, stop at the front door to get something to eat as well. I thought to myself, this guy might be able to use an In N Out gift card. He came in somewhere behind us, we were already sitting down when he went up to order. We had a table very close to the register, so I was able to listen in a bit. He ordered a double cheeseburger in a very definitive way. It was almost funny how sure he was of what he wanted, I came to the conclusion that the man was just HUNGRY! As he was counting out his nickels, dimes and quarters, I got up to fill my drink with ice. (Whenever I ask one of my kids to get me my drink, they always forget the ice!) I turned from the drink station and noticed the look on the cashiers face and then looked at him looking back up at the menu, and I knew what I was going to do. I had known it from the moment I saw him pull up on his bike. I only had $2 in cash. I quickly grabbed it out of my wallet and hopped over to the counter. I asked them if he needed a little extra and the cashier said he needed a dollar. I put the 2 bills on the counter and said "here, this is for whatever you need", gave him a pat on the shoulder, and headed back to the table.

I was thrilled to be in a position to do something to help someone. More importantly, my son was moved by it. I know it was a small gesture but it made a huge impact at our house and I hope it restored that man's faith in humanity for the day. It made me wonder how Jesus must have felt. He was able to do this times 1000! I just thanked God for letting me be there to help this man today. I would challenge you to keep your heart and eyes open for these small opportunities to give someone a hand. The feeling is an indescribable blessing. Please share these moments with me as they arise. I would bet that the more open you are, the more opportunities will come your way.

A whispering...

2010-02-24T22:27:00.001-08:00

Everyone has heard the old adage "live for today" in it's many forms. It's a great sentiment and the idea behind it sounds like a perfect way to live, but most of us realize it's not practical. So we go on about our day to day lives and get caught up in the little details, and every once in awhile, when our schedules clear, we have a perfect day or that getaway that gives us a sense of spontaneity, that we are living in the moment. I know it's the best most of us can do, we actually do have to live our lives, most of us do have responsibilities that need our attention. But what if a little birdie told you you wouldn't be around for that? What if, while you were sitting on the couch, with your cup of coffee and your calendar, filling in important dates for the year, a soft voice faintly brushed across your consciousness and whispered, "you won't be here for that", as you filled in a camping trip for July. What would you do? I think most of us would want to see all the things we haven't seen and do all the things we haven't done and most of all be with the people we care about, as much as possible. What would you do? Is Paris really that important? Would you be disappointed if you never made it to Mardi Gras? If you had 6 months what would you do? What if you weren't sick? All you heard was that little voice. Would it make you stop and think? Is there anything you would do differently? Would you tell anyone?

I know my first thought would be to be sure everything is taken care of; life insurance, will, letters to my husband, kids, parents and sister and probably get my scrapbooks up to date! :) (I actually already have the letters, I would just update them. I know it seems strange, but I've lost a lot of people in my life before it was their time. It was something I wanted to do.) Then I might just live like I do everyday. Praying for my family, taking care of things, visiting friends, going out to lunch, shopping. I would be much more selective about how I spent my time and maybe it's just me, but I don't think I would feel the need to see the things I haven't seen, experience the things I haven't experienced. I would want to experience life as it will be when I'm gone. I think there is a sense of peace in that. There is one place I would have to go, the beach, I'm a cali girl, it's where my heart is.

I know this seems like a strange entry, but I hope it gives you the opportunity to take stock in your life. I think what I said in the beginning is true, few people can live like they were dying, but if you truly take a moment to consider it, what becomes more clear for you? Hold on to those things, help this enlightenment bring balance to your life. To cut out the things that are wasteful or detrimental and concentrate on all the things that bring light and joy to your life.

Matthew

2009-11-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

As I continue this journey of change and of having my life look the way I have always envisioned it there is always the question, what is my true purpose? Right? I can eat better, exercise, save money, make meals, but those are all superficial to the soul within. There is a constant quest for meaning and inspiration in life, not only mine but others as well, I'm sure. Last night I was given all of the above, confirmation of purpose, meaning and inspiration. Here is my journal entry...

I often yearn for more in my life, opportunities to do something big, moments that help me realize my purpose, and tonite was one of those moments. There was no spotlight, no one else to award me recognition, just a conversation at dinner with my 12 year old son. I struggle to find words to describe how I feel about this young man, this child bestowed upon me by God to look after, to nurture. He was my gift, my purpose and tonite as I listened to him speak about his life, school, friends, sports, over spaghetti, I realized that I am doing something big.

When I found out I was pregnant with Matthew God reassured me that this was His plan for me. So many times along the way I have felt empty or lost, not seeing the big picture. But all my yearnings and insecurities about being a good mother and living a purposeful life dissipated as I watched and listened to my son. He is profound. I know he is only 12, but I see in him glimpses of the man he will become. He is confident and yet I see the adolescent hesitation. He is strong of spirit, not easily broken, and yet he is sensitive. He has a heart for others, caring and including. There are so many layers to my son, that I often miss in our daily interactions and I felt truly blessed to have had my eyes opened to see them all tonite.

He is a parent's dream on paper, honors student, straight A's, athlete, polite, easy to brag about, but even when I catch myself gushing I never take credit. I always tell people "he just came out that way", and that's the truth. The boy I gave birth to and the young man he is becoming is who God created him to be and my role, or purpose, is to continue guiding him so he can come to full fruition of all God has in store for him. I could not be more humbled, grateful, blessed or proud...it is more than I ever thought motherhood could be.

I was affirmed in my purpose and he's such a great kid, I couldn't help but think, I'm getting some of it right! These are encouraging and inspiring thoughts to continue to improve and to know you are capable of what ever it is you set out to accomplish.

And I MUST give a huge "shout out" to Aaron on this because Matthew is so much like him. I can't imagine a better man for my son to learn from.

are small successes the real victory?

2009-11-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I wanted to keep this blog updated with my journey for a new life, but I'm realizing that the journey is slow, dredgerous, and often dissappointing. But here is something I shared with a friend the other day that I thought I would post.

I just wanted to share how things are going on my quest for a "new life". I guess change happens a little at a time unless it's forced on you. I am still not exercising which is weighing heavily on my mind. I know it is so important for my body, mind, spirit connection. I just don't know when the best time is to fit it in each day! I also know as the holidays are approaching it's even more important for me. So I don't gain 25 holiday lbs! For the past few years I have begged God to remind me to keep working out through the holidays, so this year I HAVE to make it a priority. I started a new book by the editor of Men's Health magazine called the abs diet. He originally wrote it for men, aaron brought it home, and I read it. Then I found his adapted for women version recently @ TJMaxx (for $3.99) love it! He claims that through "super foods" a person can change their body in 6 weeks. There is also a great daily workout routine. I am reading through it now, and looking forward to implement it soon. I just feel like I need time to get myself together, stock the super foods and pre-make some of the recipes. With still working on Matthew's room I'm just not ready. Also, I am watching Dr. Oz as I'm writing this to you, and I am recording it because he is featuring a guest that he put on a 28 day sugar detox, something I also have been hoping to do. So I have big plans for myself. I may not start until the new year. I don't want it to be part of the new year, or a resolution, but the holidays are such a fun and busy time, I don't want to add another "project" to my schedule. Bobby is about to go off track in Nov, I'm not sure that will allow more time for me, or less, so I'm playing it by ear, but these are goals for the near future.

I do have a small success story. Today, I spent time cleaning my room (it was so gross!) and then knew I needed to head to Evangeline's. I was about an hour behind schedule when I left and forgot to have something to eat. Normally I would have gone through the McDonald's drive thru, but MIRACULOUSLY today I had NO DESIRE to have fast food. I was thrilled! I went on with my errand, got what I needed headed back into town and ended up eating at Chipotle. I was able to have lunch with alot of "super foods" and I feel so much better about my choice! :) (although I waited so long to eat, I nearly passed out at the register). I am hoping to keep things moving forward, how ever I can...working on Matt's room, my health and nutrition, our finances...but I know now it will be in small ways and that's all I can do each day.
And speaking of finances. I was able to nearly do it all on our cash allowance including Matthew's bday party. I did dip into our debit a little but, we are not overdrafted AND I have not used our credit cards in at least a month! I do feel like I'm making progress. Like I said, it's going to be small if you look at it on a daily basis, but when I've completely made the change in my life, then it will look big. :)
Since this note to my friend, I just want to add with finances, not only were we not overdrafted at payday, we actually are rebuilding our funds! Victory! Let's see if I can do it again!

The New Me

2009-08-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, so it's the first day of the rest of my life, right, let's not be so dramatic. I'm still not sure I want to blog all this, even though no one reads it, but against my better judgement, I'm typing... Don't expect "Confessions of a Shopaholic" although in the opening credits, when she describes the way she feels when she buys something, yeah, I could have written that, hence the need for a new me. That and the fact that I've got alot of time on my hands these days, with both my boys in school full time and no thoughts of getting a J-O-B. ;)

I've been a mom for nearly 12 years, and a wife for 10, and there is so much I want to do. I have never been one to put all my eggs in one basket, all mom, all wife, all Shawna, there's always been a fair balance of each, but probably more on the mom and wife side than the Shawna side, so now with all this time on my hands it's time to take a closer look at Shawna. That is scary for me. Reconnecting with myself not so much, setting goals to improve myself, huge! My fear is not that I fail, but that I do not continue to try, which has often been the case with me. If I don't see the results I want, I quit, or sometimes if I fail, I figure why bother to continue to try when it's just not in my nature to change.

So what does the new me look like? How do I want to change? Who do I want to be? I still want to be me. I love spending time with my family and friends, I love shopping and scrapbooking, I love the sunshine. I just want to improve in some areas. I want to take responsibility for my body. I need to realize that the food that makes my body happy isn't the food that makes "me" happy. And if I want my body to keep up with me for the next 60 years, I have to take better care of it. Does that mean becoming a gym rat? NO! Because if you notice loving the gym was not a part of my list. It does mean cutting way back on eating out and having fun exercising. I kind of think of it in terms of the dog, it's my responsibility to be sure the dog gets exercise, I need to be sure I take myself for a walk too. (Although my husband will tell you I rarely walk the dog, cuz I know he will do it later! :) See what a challenge this is going to be. Not only the exercise, but food as well. I have little to no self control (which will be my main struggle that touches several areas of my life) so eating right is very hard for me. I tend to constantly feel the need to "treat" myself with food. A trip to Cold Stone, lunch @ McDonald's, dinner out cuz I deserve it (every other night), it is really starting to show, not good! So although I know I need to work on eating healthier, I just want to start by eating WHATEVER IS AT HOME! Even if it's ice cream, so long as I'm not going out. Which will help in the other area I need to change, my spending habits. This is another place where my lack of self control becomes an issue. I also like "treating" myself to pedicures, make-up, accessories, shoes, and clothes. My challenge in this area, why? Why do I need it? (Similar challenge with food) Those are the hard ones. There are projects I want to complete and things I want to learn as well, but my health and spending habits are the biggies and I'm hoping by diving into some projects it will help me eat out less, which will help me spend less, and will help me get into better shape. So since I'm now doing this in a public forum, I hope to keep my blog up to date with how I'm doing, what projects I'm working on and what has inspired me to keep it up.

OCD is not my fight

2009-08-04T22:59:00.001-07:00

It's been a really long time since I've blogged. I guess a lot of what I would "journal" seems too personal and damaging to the image I have built, to share with the world wide web. Even though I am one who truly believes that you should shout your story from the mountaintops so the world may feel more connected, I tend to be selective of my audience.

Tonite I saw something that moved me as I wrestle with my inner (slightly less evil) demons. I watched 2 young girls battle and begin to overcome their obsessive compulsive behavior. One just wanted to swim again, the other wanted to go to prom. They spent months in grueling therapy to achieve their goals. And though each had a few kinks to still work out, they both did it. I was so inspired.

I sit at home hiding behind the title of stay at home mom, like it's a job. For many of you it is, you do an amazing job keeping things tidy, nurturing your children, having dinner ready, and making your home a comfortable place for your husbands, that's just not me. I am not motivated. My house is livable, my kids are happy, and dinner gets made, but there is so much room for improvement. We have lived here nearly 7 years and it has been the same struggle for me. Be passionate, achieve your goals, make a change. I can not do it. I fear that I am frozen with fear of failure. I am not the fearful type, and I don't know why I would care if I failed, I am at the point now where it seems there is really no point in trying. That seems so sad to me. So when I saw these girls battling for their lives, I thought I should be doing the same. I deserve to live my best life (without Bob Greene or Oprah, please!). I want to give that gift to myself. And then the thought crossed my mind..."I need some intense therapy". Yikes! That will remain to be seen, as I am a firm believer also, in pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing I did it myself, that's just the bull in me (I'm a Taurus). To tell you the truth I had a recent, somewhat intense (from my personal experience) battle with anxiety and when I shared my emotions with friends they shared a concern that I may be suffering from symptoms of depression. Well I threw myself into "cure" mode. I was not going to let myself go down that road. I feel a lot better now, but I have to admit, the experience left a scar on my spirit that may permanently haunt me. But I did it. I faced it head on, so I know I am capable of battling to create a new me, the Shawna I know I can be.

Where to begin? The task seems so overwhelming, like picking up after a party (the parties around here can get pretty messy). Where do you begin, will it ever end, and will things all get put back the way they were? I suppose I will focus on one thing, what is most important to me and go from there, but it could take years to get to the next thing! I once heard that to become the person you want to be, you just need to start acting like that person. Maybe that's the solution. So next time you see me, if I don't seem the same, don't panic, it's just the new me! :)

2009-04-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

Look what I found in the closet today... what a goof ball! I spent half the day trying to get a cute picture of me in my veil. I did NOT wear it Minnie Mouse style, like the photo below, I wore it under my updo. It was a surprise to find the box that I have kept this in today. I also found my guarder. Strangely, it had a gold turtle pin on it. Shame on me I have no idea why. I don't remember anyone giving it to me or anything! Whoops! I was actually in the closet looking through (and putting away) all of the cards and notes I have saved from Aaron, the boys, my parents, my sister and some from friends. What fun to read all the heartfelt sentiments from the most important people in my life. I also came across a few sets of photo booth photos with Aaron and I, Matthew and I when he was a baby, the first ring Aaron ever bought me, and a memoir of my pregnancy with Bobby. All this while I enjoyed a bag of Cheetos and Diet Dr. Pepper! Can you think of a more perfect day?!

Women Can't Have it All!

2008-12-16T08:51:00.001-08:00

I was watching the Today Show this morning and the long time career woman Brenda Barnes, SaraLee CEO, was on talking about giving up her 22 year career to spend more time at home. As her kids have grown, she returned to the work force. Today when Meredith Veira asked her how she felt about the saying, "women can have it all" she said she didn't believe that at all. She said choose what is most important to you and have that. Her comment brought me to tears. It gave me wings! No matter what I may be capable of, no matter what I might have to give the world, my family is the most important thing to me. I have often felt that because I was a mother at such a young age, I was unable to make my mark on the world. But I realize now, that I made that choice the day he was born. I was not driven to be a successful woman, I was driven by that sweet baby. I have no doubt that if need be, I would have been successful outside the home to take care of my family, but I didn't need to. I am grateful to my husband who worked so hard to achieve the career of his dreams. It has taken care of us all. Thankfully we are living the life we both dreamed of. Sometimes I let outside influences get to me, but today, I have this experience to keep me going strong!

Fancy Nancy

2008-10-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

After months of putting it off I was finally able to pick up my very own Fancy Nancy book. I have no reason to purchase this children's book, as I am the mother of 2 boys. But from the first moment I laid eyes on this divine little girl I knew I had to add her books to my collection, just for me. The pictures are each so colorful and creative, I couldn't resist! I also adore the spirit of this little character. Maybe some women feel like they have grown up and left their childhood behind, but not me, the child in me is always nearby, so I made an immediate connection to Nancy. Even as a grown woman I yearn to be fancy, even in everyday life. This book is a fabulous way for me to escape into the dreamy places a young girl loves to go, like twirling your dress, putting bows in your hair, and putting on mom's make-up. With 2 boys, the childhood dreams being dreamt up in this house are completely different. So when I'm feeling like I need a little girly fix, I can go hang out with Nancy for a bit.

I was never as fancy as Nancy when I was a little girl, but I always aspired to be. My sister and I played dress up all the time, but I never brought it into my everyday life. I can now, if I want to and Nancy has been an inspiration. I put perfume on today, even though I was just going to help in my son's class and grab a few groceries, and my husband isn't even home! But I was being fancy! I am going to continue to try to be fancy in my everyday life and to collect the rest of Nancy's books. So if you see me out and about wearing a tiara, or a flower in my hair, you'll know, I'm having a fancy day!

Let Them Be Little

2008-09-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

I spent the day with Bobby, not unlike any other days, but as I have been taking him to Kindergarten everyday, I am realizing these precious days are slipping away......

We went to lunch, as we often do, at Chevy's. We stole tortillas, from the tortilla lady and made shadow puppets on the wall of the booth while we waited for our food. After lunch we took a walk over to Borders and read my favorite Dr. Suess book, "Are You My Mother?" on the floor of the store. It was blissful.

There were so many days I struggled as the mother of a young child, but now each day like today are bittersweet, as I know there are few left. I am so thankful to God for the joy I experience being a mom and for today.

It tugs at my heartstrings to know each day, I have to let go a little more....

"I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.

You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.

How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.

Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.

So let them be little,

'Cause they're only that way for a while.

Give 'em hope, give them praise,

Give them love every day.

Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,

Let 'em sleep in the middle,

Oh, but let them be little."

-Billy Dean

9-11

2008-09-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

As the wife of a firefighter, this day is always somber and contemplative for me. I pray throughout the day for the families in NY who lost loved ones and the trauma they have endured. As well as the men and women who were deeply affected by what they saw in the days and weeks after as they worked to rescue their fallen brothers and sisters if connected by nothing other than this horrible experience.

But my heart always settles in on my old friend Nicole who was on flight 93 that day. I wonder what she went through. What she was feeling. How terrifying it must have been. What thoughts were going through her head. What those moments were like for her. She was a young girl, gone way before her time, as were all who lost their lives that day, and my heart just aches for what a horrible time she must have experienced. I have never been able to bring myself to watch the movie they made. I don't know if she was a character in the cast or not. I don't know what evidence they used to make the movie and if it could answer any of these questions I've had. I just can't. I pray for all of Nicole's family and all the families so hurt by these events.

NEVER FORGOTTEN

http://www.unitedheroes.com/Nicole-Miller.html

Gameday

2008-09-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

Being a fan means we live for gameday. We've got on our fan garb, we've got everything within reach of our seat on the couch, we've ordered the pizza and we are ready to rock. As I sit down for a Redskins game, I am anxious and excited, wondering how they will look for our first regular season game. I live and die with every play. For the next 3 hours I am enthrawled, I might as well be standing on the sidelines with a headset. I am screaming, coaching, cussing, cheering. I am filled with hope and heartbreak with every snap of the ball. I don't know how this happened. How do we become so devoted, how do become so vested in our sporting teams? What is the attraction? My Dad had no interest in football so I was left to my own devises. I'm not from Washington, but that is the team I picked as a young girl and I stuck with them. For me it's definatly the competition! I love to see THE BATTLE! I love to hear the crashing of helmets and the hope that something amazing could happen at any moment! But after our game against the Giants to open the regular season, on Thursday, my hopes have been crushed. Infact, watching the games of the other teams in our league, last place looks inevitable. The only bright spot is my man, Colt Brennan. He is our 3rd string quarterback from Hawaii, Aloha! I would love to see him be the next big thing!

Atleast we didn't look as bad as my husband's team-the Rams! LOL!