Thursday, February 27, 2014

I haven't blogged in FOREVER!  For some reason, tonite it was calling to me and yet I can not think of a thing to write.  When I started this blog I thought it was to show I had a voice, that my point of view would be interesting to others, and that may be, but tonite I've got nuthin'!  I just wanted to ramble.  I have started working since the last time I blogged, and recently had the crazy notion that I should bump it up to full-time!  Wow!  Has that been  a shock to the system.  Like a cold shower.  I know millions of women do it, but I'm still getting used to it.  To be honest, I don't want to get used to it.  I HATE it!  And let me tell you, it's a pretty decent place to work, it's just that it's work.  40 hours a week away from home...what was I thinking?!  I had it so good when I was a stay at home mom!  But isn't that just the way, you never know what you've got 'til it's gone.  The truth is, I never wanted to go back to work.  I loved being home, making forts and cookies and living in the mess.  The laughter and memories were my pay check and the moments when I was home for them when they got in the door or the times I surprised them with McDonald's at school were PRICELESS!  I will admit, I am EXTREMELY lazy!  It's a character flaw...my parents used to label me as lazy growing up and I hated it, turns out, they were right.  Now I'm not saying stay at home mom's are lazy, but if it's one of your character traits, stay at home mom is a good place to hide it.  I always got just enough done.  But often times I would tell myself I could do it tomorrow (what else was I going to do, right?). I had it so good and I knew it.  I knew once I went to work, we would become dependent on the money and I would be stuck.  Now I think about how much better I would do it if I had the chance again.  My kids are growing.  They are both school age, my oldest actually is driving (a whole other blog post) so it's not as nessicary for me to be here all the time anymore, but I think about how I would meal plan and clean and go to yoga every day and put in the time to enforce a budget and keep up on my scrapbooking and be better about sending birthday cards on time.  Livin' the dream!  Instead, I'm up early, but late to work EVERY DAY, spend 30 minutes getting there, 8 hours working (and half the time because it's our slow season I am creating stuff to do.  Do you know how HARD it is to be motivated when there is NOTHING to do?) and 1 hour at lunch.  I go to lunch everyday, just to get out of there and to treat myself because I have nothing else that fills my soul (I think I just solved my overeating issue, or at least figured out that I am using food to fill my soul, which I think I did when I stayed home too, so it's not a symptom of the new job.  This is what blogging is all about right?  Getting it down, seeing it in black and white, finding clarity).  Get home, make dinner, clean something, and CRASH.  I can't seem to get to 8 o'clock without running out of gas.  If I home cook a meal, do a chore AND get the kids lunches made (which I make them do themselves, I'm just counting that I was able to facilitate that task) I feel extremely accomplished that night.  I can't imagine doing it with little ones that aren't self sufficient!
To be honest, we are all still getting used to it.  It is actually starting to get easier after 6 months.  I took the position knowing my son would be getting his license this year and my husbands schedule allows for him to be home during the week sometimes, so I thought it wouldn't be to bad on my younger son.  The truth is, I think my husband is having the hardest time adjusting.  I remember those lazy housewife days when he would come home with the look on his face like, "what did you do all day?", and I would still want to go out to eat (feeding my soul).  Now I do the same thing.  When I was home, it was my job.  I was totally ok with that, now that we both work, it's our job, and yet I can't help but wonder what he is doing all day!  And would it kill him to take the initiative to make dinner?  I really thought he would step up because of all he expected of me when I was home, and he hasn't.  It's so disappointing.  Oh well!  I'm hoping for it to be temporary.  I started with a part time job while the boys were in school to help make ends meet.  The boys were getting older, things are getting more expensive, but my husbands salary hadn't changed in 7 years.  I realize in all that has gone on, we were so blessed for him to have a job, but I wanted to help him sleep at night, so to ease the stress, I was blessed with this little part time gig.  I even had fridays off....so perfect.  Then silly me, a full time position opened up and I volunteered to give it a try if they would let me.  I saw it as on opportunity to really attack our credit card debt.  And to tell you the truth, it's working.  I was able to refurbish our savings and really put a dent in 1 of our 3 credit cards.  I would like to continue to do it for another year or 2.  With all that debt gone I could stay home and still be making money!  So knowing it's not forever really helps.  I'm hoping someday I will make money doing what I love.  In the mean time, I am going to just keep swimming!  Ps, you may see more of these, that really fed my soul! ;)