It's funny to me, how my journey can change from hour to hour, my husband calls it "bi-polar", I call it emotional multi-tasking (as any sassy mother would). Tonite I feel a bit down, it's getting late, the later it gets the worse things seem. I should just go to bed! I'm feeling hijacked, like I'm really not living the life I want to live. Would Oprah call it my "authentic" life, or self? Whatever I'm so over Oprah! Regardless of what she might have to say, I am tired of putting up the good fight. I have learned in life that taking the easy way reaps little reward, however, why do I have to make a stand against others to achieve my own happiness. You would think the people that love you would just want you to be happy. I know that I have no one to answer too, it would just be so much easier if the people in my life saw the world through the same cheerful lenses I do.
I recently realized I am concerned with approval; I am an approval seeker. Yuck! There I said it! I don't think there's a 12 step program for that, but if I ever find one at least I've got step one out of the way. This is something that I love having a label for. It really helps me better control and understand my reactions to the world. But it takes time for me to figure it all out, which is often the case. I have to stop and decide what I want, if it's reasonable and how it is best to go about attaining that in a diplomatic way. It's exhausting! I just want what I want, when I want it! Tonite there are a laundry list of wants that need tweaking. Really I think it may just be 3, but they feel like a wagon full of rocks, weighing me down as I try to continue to move forward. I think the worst part, the part that gets me down and perpetuates my multi-tasking of emotions, is the constant feelings of inadequacy. Which I'm sure has something to do with that need for approval. I'm most likely going to have to deal with my laundry list in the next few days, because once I get this bug, this bug that something isn't right in my world, I have a hard time holding it in. I want to sleep on it now, but I know when I'm feeling like this, for some reason the night only makes it worse. The night brings in a dark storm of self criticisms that weigh down on my chest like a ton of bricks, yuck! Well, sweet dreams then. Or I could rise above. Realize the truth, the people who love me really do want me to be happy and I am good enough, because God made me this way and there is no one holding me back from getting what I want. Phew! Glad I got there before bed.