Thursday, April 14, 2011

There are so many challenges in life. It seems divine design is responsible for the paths our lives take. As I think about how different my journey is from all those around me, how each person has their own struggles and triumphs to experience, it all makes my struggles seem so insignificant and my triumphs so uninspiring. Yet I know better than to sell myself short. I know that my life as been divinely designed and that the challenges and successes I encounter on my journey are meant for me; to shape me, to improve me, to teach me. I hate that I feel the need to preface all my blog posts with this. What I am basically saying, is I know someone's got it way worse than me tonite and in everyday life, but I need to get over it, this is my blog, my forum, and I guess if I want to complain everyday, I can. You don't have to read it! I actually haven't posted anything for a long time just because of this. Just feeling like no one would want to hear what I had to say. That may very well be true, but I can still write it. It makes me feel better, it helps me to see it after I've written it all down, and again, it's my blog. Funny, I bet this has something to do with my need for approval. It's amazing how once I figured out I'm like this, I see how it has manifested in every aspect of my life! It's like I had a handicap or shortcoming and just learned to adjust or adapt, and not to my advantage. So here is what I'm dealing with tonite, take it or leave it.

It's funny to me, how my journey can change from hour to hour, my husband calls it "bi-polar", I call it emotional multi-tasking (as any sassy mother would). Tonite I feel a bit down, it's getting late, the later it gets the worse things seem. I should just go to bed! I'm feeling hijacked, like I'm really not living the life I want to live. Would Oprah call it my "authentic" life, or self? Whatever I'm so over Oprah! Regardless of what she might have to say, I am tired of putting up the good fight. I have learned in life that taking the easy way reaps little reward, however, why do I have to make a stand against others to achieve my own happiness. You would think the people that love you would just want you to be happy. I know that I have no one to answer too, it would just be so much easier if the people in my life saw the world through the same cheerful lenses I do.
I recently realized I am concerned with approval; I am an approval seeker. Yuck! There I said it! I don't think there's a 12 step program for that, but if I ever find one at least I've got step one out of the way. This is something that I love having a label for. It really helps me better control and understand my reactions to the world. But it takes time for me to figure it all out, which is often the case. I have to stop and decide what I want, if it's reasonable and how it is best to go about attaining that in a diplomatic way. It's exhausting! I just want what I want, when I want it! Tonite there are a laundry list of wants that need tweaking. Really I think it may just be 3, but they feel like a wagon full of rocks, weighing me down as I try to continue to move forward. I think the worst part, the part that gets me down and perpetuates my multi-tasking of emotions, is the constant feelings of inadequacy. Which I'm sure has something to do with that need for approval. I'm most likely going to have to deal with my laundry list in the next few days, because once I get this bug, this bug that something isn't right in my world, I have a hard time holding it in. I want to sleep on it now, but I know when I'm feeling like this, for some reason the night only makes it worse. The night brings in a dark storm of self criticisms that weigh down on my chest like a ton of bricks, yuck! Well, sweet dreams then. Or I could rise above. Realize the truth, the people who love me really do want me to be happy and I am good enough, because God made me this way and there is no one holding me back from getting what I want. Phew! Glad I got there before bed.

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