Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I am saying goodbye to a way of life that I have known for a long time has needed to go. I have created and nurtured an unhealthy relationship with food. Honestly, the scary thing is I'm still not sure what void it fills. So the scarier thought, is as I move forward the voids will become more apparent and therefore I will not only be struggling in regards to my diet, but also with some possible demons. YIKES! As I began to realize I wanted to make this change, and got serious about it, gathering information, filling out forms and placing orders, I also started saying goodbye to all of my favorites: McDonald's, Mikuni's, ice cream sundaes, Strawberry Shortcake at the Cheesecake Factory, spaghetti, El Super Taco, frozen coffees, burgers and fries, and even wine and margaritas. I didn't notice it right away, but as it gets closer, now I've realized I'm saying goodbye to my friends, my comfort. That's exactly what it felt like. Like I was moving, and wanted to be sure to see everyone before I left. This is a bizarre concept for me to accept, because I have fulfilling friendships. So as I said, this will be an extremely difficult and eye opening journey. I'm sure in the next few days, weeks and months, as I struggle, I'm going to need to vent a lot, so come back to see how it's going.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Will she ever stop? If you read about my blog name, you know it was inspired by something we saw on Hannah Montana. My blog tonight is also from something I saw as part of a montage of the show. There was a tender moment where Miley tells her Dad he gave up his dreams for her and he says "Being your Daddy is my dream". -TEAR- This sentiment really summed up my life. I have had a long time struggle with the idea that as a stay-at-home-mom I am not enough. I am not important to the world. I should be doing more. I need to shine. And I think I will always have those moments, but I will not let that thought drag me down or let it make less of who I am. Dreams come and go, dreams change. I am living my dreams. There are a lot of things I wanted to do when I was growing up. I wanted to be an animal trainer, I loved playing school and waitress. As I got older and my talents began to flourish I thought I might want to be a writer and was very interested in helping others by becoming a counselor. But through it all from tea party days to high school days I couldn't wait to make a life with my husband, and be a mother. As life moves forward some dreams are put aside, others have been forgotten, but some are very much alive in our home. I am privileged to have these boys. I am honored to be making a life for them with Aaron. I am blessed to be living my dream.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I could feel the words, all of a sudden, stamped on my forehead in bright red for all to see. I was loafing around town today, shopping, as usual, and as I got in line for my totally unnecessary finds, I happened to check my phone for the time. I should have done this 30 minutes ago! I saw that it was 2:35 and my first grader gets out at 2:20! FAILURE! I immediately THREW down my items and ran to the car as I dialed the number to his school. In a panic I tried to explain to the secretary that I had lost track of time and could she please check the place where he waits for me and bring him in to the office. (Keep in mind, it's raining today, and he's been waiting 15 minutes for me)! I got there 10 minutes later, so now he has been waiting for me for a total of 25 MINUTES!!!! I was shaking all the way to the school. All I could think of was what a FAILURE I am! I am a stay-at-home mom! It's not that hard! I don't clean much, I don't cook much, all I really need to do is BE THERE for the kids, and today I couldn't even do that! To be honest, it was a boxing match in the car, I completely beat myself up. I went through my days of lunches, shopping, pedicures, and social networking. I spend very little time on my family unless I'm with them and a lot of our money, much more than I deserve, keeping myself occupied. All God has asked me to do is be a good wife and mother and I am miserably falling short. I know if you ask my kids, I do all that they need, if you ask my husband, I'm sure he could come up with a few things he'd like to see me improve upon. If you ask me I am a huge FAILURE today. The good news is, I know I have made some improvements recently and I will get right back on track. Thankfully I am blessed with grace, and I had to use it today.
As I parked the car at the school and ran toward the office my son came out running toward me. No tears, no whining, no questions, he just gave me a smile and a big hug. I followed his lead and made little of the whole situation, although I apologized and explained myself. He accepted my apology and we headed to the car. And as I helped him into the back seat I saw the word GRACE stamped on his forehead in big red letters, and I have been hugging him ever since!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
It is heart-wrenching. It's an adventure. It is exhausting and exhilarating. It is a role I never thought would be so defining. It is so many different things to different families. I know parents who just don't know how to put their children before them. I know parents who put their children before all else. I know parents who's children who battle with social disorders or serious illness. There are so many parents with so many different perspectives, this is just mine.
The night I found out I was pregnant with Matthew is a night I will never forget and my life changed forever. I am blessed that being a parent has been full of joy and light on pain. Our boys are the light of our lives. It has been a strange journey as a parent. So many things that once seemed important have just faded away. So many things I thought I would never say or do I have said and done. For me it is a bittersweet journey. I know my role as a parent is to raise men. I can not do that by babying them. I can not do that by holding on too tightly. The only way I know how to do that is to teach them, let them try, be there to support them if they fail, celebrate with them when they succeed and know that someday, and a little bit everyday, I have to let them go.