Monday, November 2, 2009

Matthew

As I continue this journey of change and of having my life look the way I have always envisioned it there is always the question, what is my true purpose?  Right?  I can eat better, exercise, save money, make meals, but those are all superficial to the soul within.  There is a constant quest for meaning and inspiration in life, not only mine but others as well, I'm sure.  Last night I was given all of the above, confirmation of purpose, meaning and inspiration.  Here is my journal entry...
I often yearn for more in my life, opportunities to do something big, moments that help me realize my purpose, and tonite was one of those moments.  There was no spotlight, no one else to award me recognition, just a conversation at dinner with my 12 year old son.  I struggle to find words to describe how I feel about this young man, this child bestowed upon me by God to look after, to nurture.  He was my gift, my purpose and tonite as I listened to him speak about his life, school, friends, sports, over spaghetti, I realized that I am doing something big.
When I found out I was pregnant with Matthew God reassured me that this was His plan for me.  So many times along the way I have felt empty or lost, not seeing the big picture. But all my yearnings and insecurities about being a good mother and living a purposeful life dissipated as I watched and listened to my son.  He is profound.  I know he is only 12, but I see in him glimpses of the man he will become.  He is confident and yet I see the adolescent hesitation.  He is strong of spirit, not easily broken, and yet he is sensitive.  He has a heart for others, caring and including.  There are so many layers to my son, that I often miss in our daily interactions and I felt truly blessed to have had my eyes opened to see them all tonite.
He is a parent's dream on paper, honors student, straight A's, athlete, polite, easy to brag about, but even when I catch myself gushing I never take credit.  I always tell people "he just came out that way", and that's the truth.  The boy I gave birth to and the young man he is becoming is who God created him to be and my role, or purpose, is to continue guiding him so he can come to full fruition of all God has in store for him.  I could not be more humbled, grateful, blessed or proud...it is more than I ever thought motherhood could be. 
I was affirmed in my purpose and he's such a great kid, I couldn't help but think, I'm getting some of it right!  These are encouraging and inspiring thoughts to continue to improve and to know you are capable of what ever it is you set out to accomplish.
And I MUST give a huge "shout out" to Aaron on this because Matthew is so much like him.  I can't imagine a better man for my son to learn from.

are small successes the real victory?

I wanted to keep this blog updated with my journey for a new life, but I'm realizing that the journey is slow, dredgerous, and often dissappointing.  But here is something I shared with a friend the other day that I thought I would post.
 I just wanted to share how things are going on my quest for a "new life". I guess change happens a little at a time unless it's forced on you. I am still not exercising which is weighing heavily on my mind. I know it is so important for my body, mind, spirit connection. I just don't know when the best time is to fit it in each day! I also know as the holidays are approaching it's even more important for me. So I don't gain 25 holiday lbs! For the past few years I have begged God to remind me to keep working out through the holidays, so this year I HAVE to make it a priority. I started a new book by the editor of Men's Health magazine called the abs diet. He originally wrote it for men, aaron brought it home, and I read it. Then I found his adapted for women version recently @ TJMaxx (for $3.99) love it! He claims that through "super foods" a person can change their body in 6 weeks. There is also a great daily workout routine. I am reading through it now, and looking forward to implement it soon. I just feel like I need time to get myself together, stock the super foods and pre-make some of the recipes. With still working on Matthew's room I'm just not ready. Also, I am watching Dr. Oz as I'm writing this to you, and I am recording it because he is featuring a guest that he put on a 28 day sugar detox, something I also have been hoping to do. So I have big plans for myself. I may not start until the new year. I don't want it to be part of the new year, or a resolution, but the holidays are such a fun and busy time, I don't want to add another "project" to my schedule. Bobby is about to go off track in Nov, I'm not sure that will allow more time for me, or less, so I'm playing it by ear, but these are goals for the near future. 
I do have a small success story. Today, I spent time cleaning my room (it was so gross!) and then knew I needed to head to Evangeline's. I was about an hour behind schedule when I left and forgot to have something to eat. Normally I would have gone through the McDonald's drive thru, but MIRACULOUSLY today I had NO DESIRE to have fast food. I was thrilled! I went on with my errand, got what I needed headed back into town and ended up eating at Chipotle. I was able to have lunch with alot of "super foods" and I feel so much better about my choice! :) (although I waited so long to eat, I nearly passed out at the register). I am hoping to keep things moving forward, how ever I can...working on Matt's room, my health and nutrition, our finances...but I know now it will be in small ways and that's all I can do each day.
And speaking of finances. I was able to nearly do it all on our cash allowance including Matthew's bday party. I did dip into our debit a little but, we are not overdrafted AND I have not used our credit cards in at least a month! I do feel like I'm making progress. Like I said, it's going to be small if you look at it on a daily basis, but when I've completely made the change in my life, then it will look big. :)
Since this note to my friend, I just want to add with finances, not only were we not overdrafted at payday, we actually are rebuilding our funds!  Victory!  Let's see if I can do it again!