Tuesday, August 4, 2009

OCD is not my fight

It's been a really long time since I've blogged.  I guess a lot of what I would "journal" seems too personal and damaging to the image I have built, to share with the world wide web.  Even though I am one who truly believes that you should shout your story from the mountaintops so the world may feel more connected, I tend to be selective of my audience.
Tonite I saw something that moved me as I wrestle with my inner (slightly less evil) demons.  I watched 2 young girls battle and begin to overcome their obsessive compulsive behavior.  One just wanted to swim again, the other wanted to go to prom.  They spent months in grueling therapy to achieve their goals.  And though each had a few kinks to still work out, they both did it.  I was so inspired.  
I sit at home hiding behind the title of stay at home mom, like it's a job.  For many of you it is, you do an amazing job keeping things tidy, nurturing your children, having dinner ready, and making your home a comfortable place for your husbands, that's just not me.  I am not motivated.  My house is livable, my kids are happy, and dinner gets made, but there is so much room for improvement.  We have lived here nearly 7 years and it has been the same struggle for me.  Be passionate, achieve your goals, make a change.  I can not do it.  I fear that I am frozen with fear of failure.  I am not the fearful type, and I don't know why I would care if I failed, I am at the point now where it seems there is really no point in trying.  That seems so sad to me.  So when I saw these girls battling for their lives, I thought I should be doing the same.  I deserve to live my best life (without Bob Greene or Oprah, please!).  I want to give that gift to myself.  And then the thought crossed my mind..."I need some intense therapy".  Yikes!  That will remain to be seen, as I am a firm believer also, in pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.  I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing I did it myself, that's just the bull in me (I'm a Taurus).  To tell you the truth I had a recent, somewhat intense (from my personal experience) battle with anxiety and when I shared my emotions with friends they shared a concern that I may be suffering from symptoms of depression.  Well I threw myself into "cure" mode.  I was not going to let myself go down that road.  I feel a lot better now, but I have to admit, the experience left a scar on my spirit that may permanently haunt me.  But I did it.  I faced it head on, so I know I am capable of battling to create a new me, the Shawna I know I can be.  
Where to begin?  The task seems so overwhelming, like picking up after a party (the parties around here can get pretty messy).  Where do you begin, will it ever end, and will things all get put back the way they were? I suppose I will focus on one thing, what is most important to me and go from there, but it could take years to get to the next thing!  I once heard that to become the person you want to be, you just need to start acting like that person.  Maybe that's the solution.  So next time you see me, if I don't seem the same, don't panic, it's just the new me! :)

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