Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The New Me


  Oh, so it's the first day of the rest of my life, right, let's not be so dramatic.  I'm still not sure I want to blog all this, even though no one reads it, but against my better judgement, I'm typing... Don't expect "Confessions of a Shopaholic" although in the opening credits, when she describes the way she feels when she buys something, yeah, I could have written that, hence the need for a new me.  That and the fact that I've got alot of time on my hands these days, with both my boys in school full time and no thoughts of getting a J-O-B. ;)  
  I've been a mom for nearly 12 years, and a wife for 10, and there is so much I want to do.  I have never been one to put all my eggs in one basket, all mom, all wife, all Shawna, there's  always been a fair balance of each, but probably more on the mom and wife side than the Shawna side, so now with all this time on my hands it's time to take a closer look at Shawna.  That is scary for me.  Reconnecting with myself not so much, setting goals to improve myself, huge!  My fear is not that I fail, but that I do not continue to try, which has often been the case with me.  If I don't see the results I want, I quit, or sometimes if I fail, I figure why bother to continue to try when it's just not in my nature to change.
So what does the new me look like?  How do I want to change?  Who do I want to be? I still want to be me.  I love spending time with my family and friends, I love shopping and scrapbooking, I love the sunshine.  I just want to improve in some areas.  I want to take responsibility for my body.  I need to realize that the food that makes my body happy isn't the food that makes "me" happy.  And if I want my body to keep up with me for the next 60 years, I have to take better care of it.  Does that mean becoming a gym rat? NO!  Because if you notice loving the gym was not a part of my list.  It does mean cutting way back on eating out and having fun exercising.  I kind of think of it in terms of the dog, it's my responsibility to be sure the dog gets exercise, I need to be sure I take myself for a walk too.  (Although my husband will tell you I rarely walk the dog, cuz I know he will do it later! :)  See what a challenge this is going to be.  Not only the exercise, but food as well.  I have little to no self control (which will be my main struggle that touches several areas of my life) so eating right is very hard for me.  I tend to constantly feel the need to "treat" myself with food.  A trip to Cold Stone, lunch @ McDonald's, dinner out cuz I deserve it (every other night), it is really starting to show, not good!  So although I know I need to work on eating healthier, I just want to start by eating WHATEVER IS AT HOME!  Even if it's ice cream, so long as I'm not going out.  Which will help in the other area I need to change, my spending habits.  This is another place where my lack of self control becomes an issue.  I also like "treating" myself to pedicures, make-up, accessories, shoes, and clothes.  My challenge in this area, why?  Why do I need it?  (Similar challenge with food)  Those are the hard ones.  There are projects I want to complete and things I want to learn as well, but my health and spending habits are the biggies and I'm hoping by diving into some projects it will help me eat out less, which will help me spend less, and will help me get into better shape.  So since I'm now doing this in a public forum, I hope to keep my blog up to date with how I'm doing, what projects I'm working on and what has inspired me to keep it up.  

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

OCD is not my fight

It's been a really long time since I've blogged.  I guess a lot of what I would "journal" seems too personal and damaging to the image I have built, to share with the world wide web.  Even though I am one who truly believes that you should shout your story from the mountaintops so the world may feel more connected, I tend to be selective of my audience.
Tonite I saw something that moved me as I wrestle with my inner (slightly less evil) demons.  I watched 2 young girls battle and begin to overcome their obsessive compulsive behavior.  One just wanted to swim again, the other wanted to go to prom.  They spent months in grueling therapy to achieve their goals.  And though each had a few kinks to still work out, they both did it.  I was so inspired.  
I sit at home hiding behind the title of stay at home mom, like it's a job.  For many of you it is, you do an amazing job keeping things tidy, nurturing your children, having dinner ready, and making your home a comfortable place for your husbands, that's just not me.  I am not motivated.  My house is livable, my kids are happy, and dinner gets made, but there is so much room for improvement.  We have lived here nearly 7 years and it has been the same struggle for me.  Be passionate, achieve your goals, make a change.  I can not do it.  I fear that I am frozen with fear of failure.  I am not the fearful type, and I don't know why I would care if I failed, I am at the point now where it seems there is really no point in trying.  That seems so sad to me.  So when I saw these girls battling for their lives, I thought I should be doing the same.  I deserve to live my best life (without Bob Greene or Oprah, please!).  I want to give that gift to myself.  And then the thought crossed my mind..."I need some intense therapy".  Yikes!  That will remain to be seen, as I am a firm believer also, in pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.  I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing I did it myself, that's just the bull in me (I'm a Taurus).  To tell you the truth I had a recent, somewhat intense (from my personal experience) battle with anxiety and when I shared my emotions with friends they shared a concern that I may be suffering from symptoms of depression.  Well I threw myself into "cure" mode.  I was not going to let myself go down that road.  I feel a lot better now, but I have to admit, the experience left a scar on my spirit that may permanently haunt me.  But I did it.  I faced it head on, so I know I am capable of battling to create a new me, the Shawna I know I can be.  
Where to begin?  The task seems so overwhelming, like picking up after a party (the parties around here can get pretty messy).  Where do you begin, will it ever end, and will things all get put back the way they were? I suppose I will focus on one thing, what is most important to me and go from there, but it could take years to get to the next thing!  I once heard that to become the person you want to be, you just need to start acting like that person.  Maybe that's the solution.  So next time you see me, if I don't seem the same, don't panic, it's just the new me! :)