I haven't blogged in FOREVER! For some reason, tonite it was calling to me and yet I can not think of a thing to write. When I started this blog I thought it was to show I had a voice, that my point of view would be interesting to others, and that may be, but tonite I've got nuthin'! I just wanted to ramble. I have started working since the last time I blogged, and recently had the crazy notion that I should bump it up to full-time! Wow! Has that been a shock to the system. Like a cold shower. I know millions of women do it, but I'm still getting used to it. To be honest, I don't want to get used to it. I HATE it! And let me tell you, it's a pretty decent place to work, it's just that it's work. 40 hours a week away from home...what was I thinking?! I had it so good when I was a stay at home mom! But isn't that just the way, you never know what you've got 'til it's gone. The truth is, I never wanted to go back to work. I loved being home, making forts and cookies and living in the mess. The laughter and memories were my pay check and the moments when I was home for them when they got in the door or the times I surprised them with McDonald's at school were PRICELESS! I will admit, I am EXTREMELY lazy! It's a character flaw...my parents used to label me as lazy growing up and I hated it, turns out, they were right. Now I'm not saying stay at home mom's are lazy, but if it's one of your character traits, stay at home mom is a good place to hide it. I always got just enough done. But often times I would tell myself I could do it tomorrow (what else was I going to do, right?). I had it so good and I knew it. I knew once I went to work, we would become dependent on the money and I would be stuck. Now I think about how much better I would do it if I had the chance again. My kids are growing. They are both school age, my oldest actually is driving (a whole other blog post) so it's not as nessicary for me to be here all the time anymore, but I think about how I would meal plan and clean and go to yoga every day and put in the time to enforce a budget and keep up on my scrapbooking and be better about sending birthday cards on time. Livin' the dream! Instead, I'm up early, but late to work EVERY DAY, spend 30 minutes getting there, 8 hours working (and half the time because it's our slow season I am creating stuff to do. Do you know how HARD it is to be motivated when there is NOTHING to do?) and 1 hour at lunch. I go to lunch everyday, just to get out of there and to treat myself because I have nothing else that fills my soul (I think I just solved my overeating issue, or at least figured out that I am using food to fill my soul, which I think I did when I stayed home too, so it's not a symptom of the new job. This is what blogging is all about right? Getting it down, seeing it in black and white, finding clarity). Get home, make dinner, clean something, and CRASH. I can't seem to get to 8 o'clock without running out of gas. If I home cook a meal, do a chore AND get the kids lunches made (which I make them do themselves, I'm just counting that I was able to facilitate that task) I feel extremely accomplished that night. I can't imagine doing it with little ones that aren't self sufficient!
To be honest, we are all still getting used to it. It is actually starting to get easier after 6 months. I took the position knowing my son would be getting his license this year and my husbands schedule allows for him to be home during the week sometimes, so I thought it wouldn't be to bad on my younger son. The truth is, I think my husband is having the hardest time adjusting. I remember those lazy housewife days when he would come home with the look on his face like, "what did you do all day?", and I would still want to go out to eat (feeding my soul). Now I do the same thing. When I was home, it was my job. I was totally ok with that, now that we both work, it's our job, and yet I can't help but wonder what he is doing all day! And would it kill him to take the initiative to make dinner? I really thought he would step up because of all he expected of me when I was home, and he hasn't. It's so disappointing. Oh well! I'm hoping for it to be temporary. I started with a part time job while the boys were in school to help make ends meet. The boys were getting older, things are getting more expensive, but my husbands salary hadn't changed in 7 years. I realize in all that has gone on, we were so blessed for him to have a job, but I wanted to help him sleep at night, so to ease the stress, I was blessed with this little part time gig. I even had fridays off....so perfect. Then silly me, a full time position opened up and I volunteered to give it a try if they would let me. I saw it as on opportunity to really attack our credit card debt. And to tell you the truth, it's working. I was able to refurbish our savings and really put a dent in 1 of our 3 credit cards. I would like to continue to do it for another year or 2. With all that debt gone I could stay home and still be making money! So knowing it's not forever really helps. I'm hoping someday I will make money doing what I love. In the mean time, I am going to just keep swimming! Ps, you may see more of these, that really fed my soul! ;)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
There are so many challenges in life. It seems divine design is responsible for the paths our lives take. As I think about how different my journey is from all those around me, how each person has their own struggles and triumphs to experience, it all makes my struggles seem so insignificant and my triumphs so uninspiring. Yet I know better than to sell myself short. I know that my life as been divinely designed and that the challenges and successes I encounter on my journey are meant for me; to shape me, to improve me, to teach me. I hate that I feel the need to preface all my blog posts with this. What I am basically saying, is I know someone's got it way worse than me tonite and in everyday life, but I need to get over it, this is my blog, my forum, and I guess if I want to complain everyday, I can. You don't have to read it! I actually haven't posted anything for a long time just because of this. Just feeling like no one would want to hear what I had to say. That may very well be true, but I can still write it. It makes me feel better, it helps me to see it after I've written it all down, and again, it's my blog. Funny, I bet this has something to do with my need for approval. It's amazing how once I figured out I'm like this, I see how it has manifested in every aspect of my life! It's like I had a handicap or shortcoming and just learned to adjust or adapt, and not to my advantage. So here is what I'm dealing with tonite, take it or leave it.
It's funny to me, how my journey can change from hour to hour, my husband calls it "bi-polar", I call it emotional multi-tasking (as any sassy mother would). Tonite I feel a bit down, it's getting late, the later it gets the worse things seem. I should just go to bed! I'm feeling hijacked, like I'm really not living the life I want to live. Would Oprah call it my "authentic" life, or self? Whatever I'm so over Oprah! Regardless of what she might have to say, I am tired of putting up the good fight. I have learned in life that taking the easy way reaps little reward, however, why do I have to make a stand against others to achieve my own happiness. You would think the people that love you would just want you to be happy. I know that I have no one to answer too, it would just be so much easier if the people in my life saw the world through the same cheerful lenses I do.
I recently realized I am concerned with approval; I am an approval seeker. Yuck! There I said it! I don't think there's a 12 step program for that, but if I ever find one at least I've got step one out of the way. This is something that I love having a label for. It really helps me better control and understand my reactions to the world. But it takes time for me to figure it all out, which is often the case. I have to stop and decide what I want, if it's reasonable and how it is best to go about attaining that in a diplomatic way. It's exhausting! I just want what I want, when I want it! Tonite there are a laundry list of wants that need tweaking. Really I think it may just be 3, but they feel like a wagon full of rocks, weighing me down as I try to continue to move forward. I think the worst part, the part that gets me down and perpetuates my multi-tasking of emotions, is the constant feelings of inadequacy. Which I'm sure has something to do with that need for approval. I'm most likely going to have to deal with my laundry list in the next few days, because once I get this bug, this bug that something isn't right in my world, I have a hard time holding it in. I want to sleep on it now, but I know when I'm feeling like this, for some reason the night only makes it worse. The night brings in a dark storm of self criticisms that weigh down on my chest like a ton of bricks, yuck! Well, sweet dreams then. Or I could rise above. Realize the truth, the people who love me really do want me to be happy and I am good enough, because God made me this way and there is no one holding me back from getting what I want. Phew! Glad I got there before bed.